Van Gogh

(Finally making an extra effort to write more entries.)

I visited the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam yesterday, and just wanted to do a little show-and-tell of the paintings most memorable to me, because I think they're worth sharing. Lately, I've been motivated to understand more about art--not just to learn about it, but to form opinions about it on my own, without reading the little placards and background information. So, going to an actual museum and witnessing the paintings firsthand is usually quite the workout for my brain.

This is the only painting of Van Gogh's that makes me feel calm. I guess I could be technical and say, it has less of those vigorous little brushstroke lines and dots that he's so famous for, but I'd rather say it's an intangible overall feeling of peace that he exudes through his drawing. Then I read the placard and found out that he drew this to depict that the bedroom is a place of peace and rest.

I didn't like this painting from the first moment I saw it on posters in the gift shop, and I couldn't figure out why. Later I realized that it made me feel lonely. I think proportions are a big thing to notice in Van Gogh, and it's interesting how he (intentionally or unintentionally) uses unusual proportions to exude emotion. This painting strikes me as...so so so lonely. Looking at it immediately saddened me. Especially that little red patch all by itself in the bottom middle. (Is it a coincidence that Van Gogh was a redhead? Hm.)

Maybe my favorite painting I saw yesterday, not only because irises are my favorite flower, but also because Van Gogh said that he wanted to demonstrate the way opposite colors strengthen each other when they are combined. So simple and wise. :)

My sister's favorite. :) I love the unabashedly bold signature in red.

Just an example of what is "typical" of Van Gogh's paintings...there is so much going on, it almost makes my head hurt. A lot of paint piled and squeezed right onto the surface, so that it's almost like half-sculpture, half-painting. A lot of MOVEMENT, and overwhelming feeling. There's an inhuman, tumultuous amount of emotion he's trying to express all at once. I really don't think a sane man could have created something like this.

Anna Karenina

My favorite part:

"Wait," he said, sitting down at the table. "There's one thing I've long wanted to ask you."
He looked straight into her tender though frightened eyes.
"Please do."
"Here," he said, and wrote the initial letters: w, y, a, m: t, c, b, d, i, m, n, o, t? These letters meant: "When you answered me: 'that cannot be', did it mean never or then?" There was no likelihood that she would be able to understand this complex phrase, but he watched her with such a look as if his life depended on her understanding these words.
She glanced at him seriously, then leaned her knitted brow on her hand and began to read. Occasionally she glanced at him, asking with her glance: "Is this what I think?"
"I understand," she said, blushing.
"What is this word?" he said, pointing to the n that signified the word never.
"That means the word never," she said, "but it's not true!"
He quickly erased what was written, gave her the chalk and got up. She wrote: t, I, c, g, n, o, a.
...He suddenly beamed: he had understood. It meant: "Then I could give no other answer."
He glanced at her questioningly, timidly.
"Only then?"
"Yes," her smile replied.
"And n...And now?" he asked.
"Well, here, read this. I'll tell you what I would wish. Would wish very much!" She wrote the initial letters: t, y, c, f, a, f, w, h. It meant,: "that you could forgive and forget what happened."
He seized the chalk with his tense, trembling fingers and, breaking it, wrote the initial letters of the following: "I have nothing to forgive and forget, I have never stopped loving you."
She glanced at him, the smile staying on her lips.
"I understand," she said in a whisper.

Home Videos

I think everyone goes through two stages of puberty--the famous first being the teenage years of physical growth, emotional turmoil, and self-definition...and the less frequently mentioned but, in my opinion, just as significant, being these nebulous years between going off to college and becoming independently financially stable. Physically, you're in that weird transition between dealing with both pimples and wrinkles...wanting to celebrate your youth by pulling all-nighters, sky-diving, working out etc. but also feeling alarmingly sore after a simple airplane ride, getting creaky bones when it rains, forgetting basic things (like your dad's Chinese name, or your sister's age)... Socially, you're stuck between the Adult Table and Kiddie Table at family friend gatherings. Do you join the adults, who are talking about subjects with which you can keep up, but are unfortunately being discussed in Chinese? Or do you join the kids, exuding adolescence awkwardness brought on by high school stresses and middle school dramas? Financially, you're utterly confused. When you're at college, you make generally all decisions about where/how to spend your money--groceries, travel tickets, clothes--and finally with your own credit/debit card, you have the freedom to buy secret presents for your parents that really will be secret. At the same time, you can't fool anyone: it's still your parents' money, and will be for a while, until you've had a job long enough to fully support yourself. And until then, as much as you feel entitled to, you can't justifiably INSIST on anything from your parents...not really. And emotionally, it's just another ongoing stage of discovering that vaguely specific answer of who you want to be.
At least this is how I feel right now.
There's also a point that maybe everyone reaches at one time or another, when you're at home with your parents (maybe on a break from college), and you start thinking, this doesn't feel as "right" as it used to. Being nagged at about sleeping early enough, not talking on the phone for too long, and eating fruit just seems ridiculous at this age, especially after having survived out in the world (of college) on your own. I've started to experience little snatches of these moments, when I think I'd choose being on my own over being with my family. It's SO bizarre. At the same time, I also start feeling little snatches of moments where it's now my responsibility to take care of them, instead of the other way around. Roles are constantly being switched around, where one moment it's my mom or dad yelling at me to hurry up and take a shower before it's too late, and the next moment I'm lecturing them about keeping the kitchen area clean or whatever.
But then there are the days when things are back to normal. The last 2 days when I got home in the evening, my parents and sister were sitting in the family room around the TV, with miscellaneous snacks on the sofa, telling riddles, my dad trying to outsmart us with sadly unsuccessful trick questions, my mom in a hyper state of continual laughter, my sister propping her giant feet on the table and promptly knocking over 3 or 4 things. And though I had a bunch of things to do before I could relax for the night, all I wanted to do was plop down next to them and just...be with them.

I woke up at 3:50am today to take them to the airport. When I got home, I couldn't fall back asleep, so I dug out some old video tapes that my parents took from before I was born. It's amazing to watch my mom and dad before they had kids. There were also some scenes of my grandparents visiting when my parents got their house in San Jose. I think I got my habit of harboring and talking to a multitude of stuffed animal from my grandma. And I think I got my persistence and silent/constant interest in food from my grandpa.
So, so happy that we have these videos. I'm such a firm believer in keeping a record of everything, whether it's through words or pictures, audio or visual. Happy happy happy. :)