September Notes

It is officially my one-month anniversary of living in Michigan! To celebrate, I stayed home all day in my pajamas and practiced--basically what I do on all my days off.
Over the past month, I began and then abandoned a number of blog posts...lots of topics came to mind, but a couple sentences in, I'd realize I couldn't summon up enough interesting/worthwhile thoughts. Laziness led to guilt, which led to unnecessary added stress, which led to me writing this entry.

The first significant event upon moving here was the purchase of Macy, my first car. This involved a lot of confusing math, frustration, nervousness, and arguments with my mom. Just to show how clueless I was when the whole process began, in July I didn't even know that car payments were divided monthly...I thought I'd just skip into the store, plunk down a bunch of money, take the car, and be done. When I told my dad this, he gave me a look like "are you really my daughter?" and explained APR financing etc. A little history of me+cars: I never had my own car in high school or college, and I get exceedingly nervous when it comes to driving or even filling up gas. Once I was pulled over for drunk-driving, even though I didn't have one drop of alcohol in my body...after explaining that I didn't drink and was simply a bad driver, the policeman gave a commiserating chuckle and went, "Okay, well, drive home safely!" I decided to put all this behind me as I set out to buy my first vehicle. For other inexperienced and confused people out there who are thinking of someday owning a car, here is my advice, from one car dummy to another.
First of all, determine the circumstances in which you'll be driving. Knowing I'd be driving in snow and ice, and aware of my deplorable driving skills, I decided on an All-Wheel Drive. If you're a good driver (or just don't worry about this kind of stuff), you might not need AWD for snow. Next, ask around for advice of the best cars that would suit your needs. I went with a Toyota RAV4, because I know two satisfied RAV4-purchasers. I test-drove one of their cars for a while in California and felt pretty comfortable. I also looked up safety ratings and customer reviews from more reliable websites. Then comes the hard part. I recommend calling/emailing several different dealerships to check their inventory, and whether they have the specific model with the color and features you want, and ask what their lowest price is. You shouldn't commit to any dealership yet; make it clear that you're not going to take any crap, and you just want numbers. Car dealers hate emails, because they have a harder time distracting you with tricky antics. Also, at least for me, female car dealers tended to be more straight-forward and honest. After you get different prices from a couple dealerships, you can compare and start the negotiating process. It's sort of like negotiating for college scholarships...you can play one dealership against the other until you get the best price. Make sure you remember the listing price (MSRP) and NEVER pay above it. One dealership wanted $3,000 over the listing price! You should also feel somewhat comfortable with the dealer you eventually decide on. When the day of your appointment with the dealership arrives, make sure you are WELL-RESTED and WELL-FED, because you will likely be there for a long, l o n g      t   i   m  e............If you are a girl, I'd suggest bringing a male with you, any male. I've heard dealerships tend to act differently if a male is present. Ridiculous, but the truth. I'm not a good negotiator, so I can't give tips on that, but make sure you have all your numbers straight, don't be afraid to ask tons of questions, and again, don't take any crap. It's a fine balance between showing that you're smart and not born yesterday, but also a decent/likable person. Ask for any discounts they have for recent college graduates (if that applies to you), and be ready to show a transcript for proof. I went during Labor Day weekend, so I also got a nice promotion from that. Buying towards the end of the year may be cheaper, because they're gearing up for next year's model. There is a lot to think about, but in the end, you're left with a shiny new car, with that shiny new car smell.

Meet Macy! My resilient, friendly, and cute car, who has been braving the highways and streets of Detroit and is prone to collecting excessive condensation.


Another significant happening was moving into my new home. I am currently residing in the first story of a family friend's house in the suburbs. This housemate started out as my mom's friend's friend's friend's friend. The fact that I ended up living with such a distant relation shows how fortunate I am to have been introduced to a continuous line of super generous people. My mom's friend is her old high school classmate, who now goes to our church. She got us in touch with HER friend, who has a family in Michigan. He was one of the people who suggested I get a Toyota RAV4, and he gave me the phone numbers of car dealerships to contact. He then got us in touch with HIS friends, a couple who have become something like second parents to me in Michigan. We met when I was visiting back in May, and we got along so well, I ended up staying several nights at their place, watching operas and movies in their home theater. They took me sight-seeing, gave me advice for my first job, went with me to get Macy, and even gave me speakers for my new TV and an extra music stand. Then they got me in touch with A, and I couldn't have been blessed with a sweeter, more generous housemate/landlord/new friend.


Of course the most significant happening in Michigan is the new job. I wish I had eyes on the back of my head and three more pairs of ears (although how weird would that look?), because there's so much I'm trying to learn, adjust to, and absorb, all at once. These past two weeks have been fascinating, and I am looking forward to what's ahead, praying that I am up to the task and here for a good reason. Something I've learned that I feel comfortable sharing is a reaffirmation that there is simply no point to being snobby or elitist when it comes to music. (Is there a point to being snobby or elitist ever, actually?)
The more you learn about music, the more you develop opinions and become an expert and connoisseur and critic. Pops concerts aren't usually what inspire me most, and plowing through Star Wars or Copland's Hoedown night after night can be tiresome. But last Thursday we played a concert of mostly pops music, for maybe the happiest audience I've ever encountered. The large majority were African-American, and I thought I'd stepped into a Southern Baptist church service, and people would start crying out, "Amen!" and "Praise the Lord!" They cheered raucously in the beginning of the concert before we'd even played a note, simply because someone fixed the microphone. They continued to clap and give standing ovations throughout the concert, piece after piece. As one of my favorite quotes (and apparently one of our conductor's favorites as well) goes, "There are only two kinds of music--good music, and the other stuff." Certain pieces are more intellectually stimulating or emotionally complex than others, but who's to deem what makes "high art" and "low art"? Music and intellect are two separate things, as far as I know. If I can look out into an audience and see eyes alight with joy, and smiles as wide as only music can make them, then I'm happy, whether I personally find satisfaction in the repertoire. Music should encourage us to be selfless, as much as it encourages us to express ourselves. I'm finding that my favorite artists are ones who are the least self-indulgent and who constantly look outward, to the composer, the audience, and the world (e.g. Szigeti and my recent favorite, Isabelle Faust!). We are reaching a point where orchestras all over are having to play more music we're less interested in, and vice versa. The only way to make everyone happy is to try and find worth in everything we do. After all, if a piece of music makes one person in the room happy, there is most certainly worth in performing it.
(All this being said, I will try my best from now on to contain my annoyance with 1812 Overture.)

Too Much Brahms

You know how, if you overdose on a certain TV show, you start thinking in the voice of the characters? (E.g. When I watch an excessive amount of Friends, I develop an incessantly sarcastic voice in my head that makes side comments to everything, the way Chandler does. If I watch a lot of Family Guy, I start thinking in Stewie's British accent.)
Well, last week I was in a Brahms mood, listening to stuff by Brahms on shuffle every day, practically non-stop. Not only did coherent thoughts with words vanish completely from my mind, to be replaced by occasional bursts of vibrato-infused melodies, but also I developed some unusual urges...

1) To romp about the countryside with my violin, playing devilish gypsy music and emitting occasional high-pitched whoops.
2) To stand in the middle of my backyard with the California sun shining down, hold out my arms, and proclaim, "How lovely is thy dwelling place!" (I declared this to my mom the other day when we were sitting in the living room, but she just gave me a funny look and left the room.)
3) To give big warm hugs to everyone I meet on the street.
4) To continue consuming food at an alarmingly uncontrollable rate until I am a big beefy man with a generous beard and sausage fingers.
5) To walk in hemiola rhythms.
6) To dash Sound-of-Music-style up a lush green hill, heart fluttering with expansive joy, sing a gorgeous tune, and then abruptly lock myself in the privacy of my room and shed quiet tears over unrequited love.

I think it's time for me to listen to a different composer now.

What Makes an Audition?

Sorry for another mini-hiatus, but I've been at Tanglewood for the past four weeks, an excuse which I think requires no further explanation.

I've been wanting to write an entry about auditions for a while, ever since I miraculously/somehow/finally won one. People say that failures are only when you don't learn from your mistakes; I'd add to that by saying that successes are only when you learn HOW you got there, rather than blindly accepting good fortune or attributing the whole accomplishment to natural talent.

[ A precursor about orchestra auditions for non-musicians (if you already know a lot or too much about orchestra auditions, skip this paragraph): To land an orchestra job, one first sends a resume to whatever symphony has an opening. Openings are rare and unpredictable, and usually occur when a current member of the orchestra leaves or has gotten super old and decides to retire. If personnel deems your resume sufficiently legit, they invite you to a live audition or ask you to send a recording. The recording process SUCKS. You have to tape yourself playing several sections of various pieces without editing, and the goal is usually technical precision. Since the judges listen to you through a machine, musicality beyond general good taste is hard to tell...intonation/rhythm on the other hand is objective. For live auditions, you arrange your own transportation to the home of the orchestra, usually a major city. There are preliminary, semi-final, final rounds, and occasionally a final-final round. I'm used to seeing 150-ish applicants show up at prelims, and then around twenty for semis, but it varies depending on the job, instrument etc. Most (if not all) the rounds are held behind a screen, so the judges have no idea who you are, what you look like, and what kind of experience you (don't) have. The judging committee is made up of members of that orchestra. Each round lasts anywhere from 5-15 minutes, I'd say. You are asked to play a variety of things...short snippets from concertos and symphonic works. Afterwards, the judges vote on whether to advance you to the next round, and then you are informed by a proctor, usually in the presence of other applicants, which can be very awkward. If you are able to jump through the hoops and over the hurdles, you emerge as the "winner", and you get to deal with trial, probation, and other equally scary tasks. ]


My first memory of auditions is from youth orchestra in San Francisco. This is embarrassing to admit, but I actually took those auditions more seriously than my eventual job auditions. I think it's because if a job audition doesn't go well, there are no long-term consequences...I just keep trying. But if my youth orchestra audition didn't go well, I'd have to deal with the SHAME of sitting in a "bad" seat for the whole year. I remember actually crying after a couple auditions. But I am so lucky, because I learned very early on how to practice specifically for auditions and excerpts. With all due respect to what M. Lowe says, I still believe preparing for excerpts is different than preparing for solo pieces. It doesn't mean one process is more passionate or inspired than the other...the context is simply completely different. As a thirteen-year-old, I learned to play my excerpts along with CD recordings...you just wouldn't do that for your concerto, would you?
At NEC, I took orchestral excerpt class in my sophomore year, because it seemed interesting. For the course final, we had to play some concertmaster solos on the stage of Symphony Hall. I genuinely loved those excerpts, so I think I did okay. Afterwards the teacher took me aside and told me that I should start taking job auditions. I was so stunned and excited that I immediately began looking for opportunities, and I took my first real audition a couple months later.
I've taken six professional orchestra auditions so far, which is nice, because six is my lucky number. I keep a journal of basically everything that happens, so I sometimes flip back to certain audition entries and read them over to remember the lessons I learned. (It's also kind of entertaining in retrospect, how dramatic each audition felt.)
In the first audition, I learned how different it feels to play behind a screen. I realized how much I relied on the visual aspect of playing, and that I should take that energy and focus it on pure sound instead. I was so freaked out by the notion of playing for people I couldn't see, who were evaluating me from behind a curtain, that I completely could not concentrate. The overall conclusion was that I needed to be ten times more prepared, to compensate for all that weirdness, awkwardness, and unpredictability.
Thus, preparation for my second audition was the most I've ever practiced in my life. I think the lessons I learned here were more emotional than purely musical, since it was such a significant ordeal. I learned what it's like to have countless hours of countless days of obsession and devotion condensed into ten minutes, and at the whim of one or two judges, dismissed. I learned how to accept this as fair and move on. I learned the importance of sound quality. Most importantly, I learned to accept the level I was at, a level that simply wasn't all there yet. There was no need for me to force myself into the shoes of someone more advanced, or to impose unreasonably high expectations upon myself.
The third audition was really weird because, although it was the first time I felt fairly comfortable playing behind the screen, I was so physically wrought during the waiting process that I was shaking pretty violently throughout the whole day. I missed a couple notes during the second round, which probably eliminated me. Who knows, though. I learned that one should ALWAYS ask for comments from the judges, and ALWAYS check a proper edition of the score, so there aren't nasty surprises in the warm-up room when scanning through an official version of your excerpts. I also discovered the joy of failing, because it gives you another chance to try again. That night, I wrote the following:

The ride back was like a blur of tiredness and bleakness, but somewhere in there I also summoned up this random and deep joy that no matter what, I am still so privileged and happy to have these opportunities as a musician, to try and play wonderful works on a beautiful stage, to strive for a life in music. And the ultimate triumph in an audition (besides for actually getting a job, I suppose) is finding the excitement and willingness and joy to TRY AGAIN!

The fourth audition was over a span of two days, and on the second day I used beta-blockers. I learned that they have no effect on me whatsoever...if anything, they hinder me, because I feel guilty and uncomfortable the whole time.
The fifth audition was the first and only time I ever cried after an audition (besides in pre-college days). It was because I actually thought I'd played well enough to get it, but then I didn't. I learned to pay attention to how things went from an outsider's perspective, rather than how I personally felt it had gone. Sometimes, an audition feels good, but in reality it doesn't sound good from outside your own personal bubble. Like Stephane Deneve says, you have to "grow a pair of giant ears." After that audition, I sat on a bench outside, called S, and proceeded to sob like a baby. It was embarrassing. I almost cancelled my next audition, because I really felt there was no hope. But I didn't, because the deposit fee deadline was over, and I was too cheap to waste a hundred bucks.
Two and a half weeks later was Detroit.
I don't know what I did differently in preparation...I didn't practice more than usual or try any weird techniques like meditating. Something very important did finally register in my head--I figured out what I do when I get nervous, and I figured out how to AVOID doing it. It sounds so simple duh, but for slow people like me, it takes a while... The key thing I remember from those four audition rounds is that each one got a little better (except the very last one, because at that point I knew I had already gotten in the orchestra, so I was just having fun, and it was certainly not my best). Also, I was focused on listening to myself in the moment while I played, as if I were behind the screen with the audition committee. That was helpful, because when I walked off the stage, I wasn't like, "OH MY GOSH WHAT JUST HAPPENED," but rather, "I know what I did well, and what I did poorly. If I pass, it'll be because of a, b, and c. If I don't pass, it'll be because of d, e, and f."

Auditions are complicated and bizarre and perplexing. I think the audition winner is rarely the "best" applicant, but rather the person who happens to do the right things at the right time, in front of the right people. There are a bunch of inspirational stories about those who failed a hundred times before succeeding...Einstein, Christina Aguilera, Bill Gates, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, J.K. Rowling...the list goes on and on and irritatingly on. Yeah, those stories are great, and the same thing certainly could happen to you--but you know what stories aren't great? The ones where people fail and never end up succeeding, even though they also keep trying. Those stories are rarely ever told. When I didn't get good results, people reminded me of inspiring stories, encouraging me to stay positive and have faith. And I would secretly think, "But how do I know if I'm not one of the majority whose failures don't ultimately turn into successes?" How do you know when to quit, and when to keep trying? I think it's the point when you realize that trying again is bringing you down instead of up. It's the moment when you're getting out your old and battered excerpt book for the umpteenth time, looking Don Juan square in the high D, and suddenly it dawns on you--I don't like what I'm doing. This isn't exciting. This isn't inspiring.
That's never happened to me, honestly. Of course Don Juan isn't my favorite thing to play. But every time I dig it out again, a tiny part of me (even if it's just 1% or 0.003%) is eager to do it better than before. I guess if continuing to improve brings you joy, and you are at a point in your life where it's reasonable to keep trying, then you should.


Lastly: This may sound weird, but the terrifying unpredictability of auditions and being a music major in general actually made me less stressed at times, because it really led me to put everything in God's hands. The more unpredictable your field is, the less control you realize you have. After that fifth and saddest audition, I started looking at different career paths I could pursue. Musicology? Phd? I prayed, "If it's right for me to play in an orchestra, please give me a sign this next year. Otherwise I'll accept that I should try another path." That sign came way sooner than I expected.
Whenever I get nervous playing violin, whether it be walking into an audition, attempting an elusive octave, or willing my bow not to shake, I try to remember the verse, "Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." I'm not saying that by thinking this, I then am able to play perfectly. Sometimes I think this verse, feel better, and then a truly disastrous sound comes out of my instrument. So what? We don't praise the Lord so that we'll get good results; we praise Him because it's true.

Southwest

I've been a faithful customer of Southwest for over a year now, and have flown on their airlines at least five times without a problem. They treat instruments and instrumentalists with respect, they hand out ample snacks and drinks free of charge, and allow two free checked bags. But just when I thought I had finally found a trustworthy airline...

On Friday, I flew from Detroit to Las Vegas, and then Las Vegas to San Jose. The first flight was fine, and the second flight started out fine. I was pretty happy, besides for being extremely hot from wearing a sweatshirt and sweats in Vegas weather. I fell asleep as we made our ascent, but woke up thirty minutes later drenched in sweat. My ears were popping every few seconds, which is not an usual occurrence. The plane was really turbulent and scary, but nobody on the plane was making a sound. All of a sudden, the pilot's voice came over the intercom, announcing that there was a pressurization problem with the aircraft, and we had to turn around and go back to Vegas as quickly as possible, for safety reasons.
Immediately, people began panicking. The guy next to me threw up in his barf bag, an old lady in front of me threw up as well, a lady behind me continually pressed her help button...even the airline attendants seemed frightened. They told the complaining lady, "Just plug your ears and keep opening your mouth!" and frantically darted back to the front of the plane. The first thought that went through my head was, "Fantastic, I just got a job, and now I'm going to die." (This is what employment obsession does to you.) My heart was pounding, and I was opening and closing my mouth like a goldfish. The air seemed to be getting thinner, and the cabin was burning. It also didn't help that the plane was experiencing pretty bad turbulence. The pilot later told us that we almost had to use the yellow oxygen masks above our heads. However, after a terrifying thirty minutes of rapid temperature and altitude changes, we were returned to land with a hearty bump.
About an hour later, we boarded a different aircraft. For the first time in my life, as the airline attendants were giving the safety precautions on how to use life vests in case of an emergency, the whole plane was so silent with rapt attention, you could have heard a pin drop.

Top 5 Favorite Books

Today, A asked me what my top 5 favorite books are, and it turned out to be a really difficult question to answer. I immediately listed the no-brainers, Les Miserables and Middlemarch, but it took deep contemplation throughout the rest of the day to come up with the others. Now I can say with certainty that my top 3 are definitely:
1) Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
2) Middlemarch by George Eliot
3) In Memoriam A.H.H. by Tennyson

By the way, this list excludes The Bible, as well as obvious favorites from my "youth" like Harry Potter, Lemony Snicket, Calvin and Hobbes etc. which are of course ingenious, but belong to a different category.

I think book-lovers can attest to this--each person's criteria for what makes an All-Time-Favorite Book is a little different. For me, above all else, my morals have to be in line with what the author is trying to convey. It helps a LOT if the characters and writing style are likable, too. Then, there's the initial reaction a book has on me, plus the long-term reaction. Les Mis and Middlemarch are hefty novels, 800+ pages and not what most would call a fast read. Both teach invaluable lessons about the humanity, although in very different ways, and both have a large number of main characters, most of whom I find extremely lovable and admirable. Hugo is French, so I can't say much about his writing style, but I love Eliot's voice and the way she unravels her stories. In Memoriam is a set of poems, which is weird, because I usually don't have the attention span or depth of mind to really appreciate or even understand most poetry. But Tennyson's requiem for his best friend is just unbelievable, and the content totally overshadows the format for me. Family and close friends will back me up when I say that after reading each of these three, I became obsessed and talked about them nonstop for a long long...LONG time. After Tennyson, I marched around the house reciting the poems to whoever would listen. I also gave the book to three different people as birthday presents.

So what about 4 and 5? I'm inclined to say-
4) something by Jane Austen
5) something by Shakespeare

It's kind of embarrassing that I can't name a specific work by either one, and it's not like I'm saying all their works are the same...but it's more that I love the authors more than I love any individual work, if that makes sense. I can't choose a particular Shakespeare play (or sonnet), because it's his output collectively that make him so significant and life-changing to me. I do admit that after a while, some of Jane Austen's novels start to blend together in my easily-confused brain. But I love the atmosphere she creates, the way her characters interact, and how incredibly charming she is.

Close runners up include-
Shorter books: Animal Farm, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Of Mice and Men, and Screwtape Letters. They're little gems, but I'm not sure they are comparable to the likes of what I mentioned before.
The classic, disillusioned-wife-cheats-on-husband books: Bovary, Karenina, and Chatterley, which I really enjoy (for some reason) but can't deem true favorites, because I simply hate the protagonist so much.
Intimidating books: Ayn Rand's Fountainhead and Hardy's Jude the Obscure. Amazingly written, but...a little too heavy for me.
And more recent books: 5 People You Meet In Heaven, The Last Lecture, My Sister's Keeper, and pianist Arthur Schnabel's Music and My Life.

Mother's Day

It was a successful Mother's Day this year! First of all, the Warriors won Game 4 against the Spurs, which in itself guarantees a good day in my book. I mean, I cheer with great exuberance for anyone who beats the Spurs. But the Warriors have been so inspiring especially lately, from David Lee's courageous minutes despite his injury, to Harrison Barnes who is only 20 years old (!!!), to the raw talent of Steph Curry and Klay Thompson. I really hope they get to the finals. (That being said, OKC is breaking my heart! What is happening???)
Meanwhile, customary Mother's Day festivities were in order, starting from the morning when my sister and I lugged ourselves out of bed way too early to make my mom's breakfast of fruits galore, a spinach cheese omelet, random nuts/cereal, and coffee. Then we headed to church, where there were four testimonies given in honor of this day. The first aww-moment was when I heard a little girl talking to her friend's mom, saying, "I'm sooo excited for when we go home, because my cousins and I have this whole program planned out for my mom" etc. etc. It made me think that, yes, Mother's Day (along with Valentine's Day) can be one of the most irritatingly commercialized holidays, with the bombardment of flowers, chocolates, and ads that make you feel guilty for not hopping straight to a store and spoiling your loved one with tons of jewelry and desserts. But looking past that, something I do love about this day is how it introduces kids to the sheer joy and excitement one feels when making someone ELSE happy. Selfless happiness is just a good feeling to experience early on, I think.
My dad was one of the people to give testimonies, and since I'd spent the previous night and morning listening to him practice over and over, I was definitely quite nervous for him, reciting his speech right there with him (in my head). He did a great job, although I must say that I don't think I've ever met someone who speaks as slowly as he does. Nevertheless, it was touching and an admirable feat.
Another person who gave a testimony said two things that really stuck in my mind. The first thing was that most of the time, when we try to do our own thing and our parents disagree, it's not so much that they don't have faith in US and OUR abilities, but that they don't have faith in the world around us, the circumstances in which we may unwittingly find ourselves. I can definitely recall times when my parents were against a decision I made. In retrospect, I now believe they were more afraid about the environment around me than any mistake I might make. It seems obvious now, but whenever we are at odds, I manage to forget this simple truth.
The second thing this person said was that her mother didn't look at her through the eyes of a regular person, but tried to look at her through the eyes of the Lord. Meaning, her mother didn't judge her or try to control her. Judgement is something I've wondered about for a while. If you know me well, you'll know that a pet peeve of mine is people who want to do things without being judged. I just think that everyone should take responsibility for his/her actions, and if we don't want to be judged for something, we simply shouldn't do it. Everything has consequences, not only for us but also for countless others that we may never know about. We can't put these consequences on hold when we don't feel like being judged. (I'm referring to serious things, not like, "Don't judge me, I'm going to eat three slices of cheese cake.") At the same time, there have been a few times when someone said, "Don't judge me, but--" and I nod sympathetically like, "Okay don't worry, I understand." Maybe it's an automatic reaction, or maybe in that moment I do feel it's an okay exception. To judge, or not to judge... But ultimately the best thing to do is leave the judging up to God. I still believe every action should be judged, but that doesn't mean I'm the one who has the right or ability to BE the judge. Really, the only thing I have considerable insight into is what I do with my life.
The rest of the day was devoted to food! We made my mom a card that said, "Age only matters if you're a cheese." So practically everything we ate was cheese-themed...cheese and crackers, cheese and bread, plus cheese (and chocolate) fondue. It was a lot of fun, and it's nice to have the whole family together again; it's been a while. It's also nice to be blogging again, after an unexpected and embarrassingly drawn-out hiatus, which I will try to justify in my next (?) entry.