Growing Up

The other day I was skimming Jeremy Lin's blog, and it reminded me that I have a blog too and should update it at least once before the year ends. On a side note, the more I learn about Jeremy Lin, the more I'm convinced he's my soul mate. He plays songs from The Lion King on his keyboard, doesn't like vegetables, and included my favorite Bible verse in one of his posts. Be still my heart!

Last October, I wrote an entry describing the process of buying a car. Who would've known that a year later, I'd write an entry describing the process of buying a property? Here's the random/destined sequence of events that led to this important decision: break up with boyfriend >> decide to get a dog >> decide to rescue a dog >> some dog shelters won't let you adopt unless you're a homeowner >> decide to become a homeowner. In August, I was researching dog shelters and told my mom, "It's so frustrating that some shelters don't let you adopt unless you're a homeowner." She replied, "Well, if I were you, I'd buy a condo." "Really?" "Yeah." ".....Okay!" Three months later, I closed on my first property.

I watch a lot of HGTV, so I thought I was pretty prepared for the buying process. HGTV supplies important information, like how to prioritize your must-haves, how to negotiate, and what issues are easy fixes (floors) versus nightmares (black mold). But you know at the end of those house-hunting shows when the buyer's offer is accepted, everyone celebrates, and then they skip to three months later or whatever when everyone's all moved in? I'd like a show about what happens during the time frame they skip, because that was most difficult/confusing for me.

So this is how it went down. First I figured out what cities/neighborhoods I preferred, noobed around on Zillow to get a general idea, found an agent I trusted, and started looking at different units. Originally I thought I'd like to live in Royal Oak, because it's closer to work and has more young people...but after a while, I realized that choosing a top school district could make reselling my place way easier in the future, so I stuck with Troy. After about a month, I made an offer on a place, but it didn't work out. When you're negotiating with a seller, it's important to make sure the seller isn't crazy or sketchy. In most cases, you're not going to talk to the seller directly, but from their actions and the terms with which they negotiate, you can sort of figure them out. If they seem desperate to sell and insist on selling the place "as is," or if they're super stubborn and refuse to compromise on something perfectly reasonable, it's probably a bad sign. Trouble early on will likely escalate throughout the closing process (which takes longer than you'd think). It's simpler and wiser to walk away unless you're desperate to buy, and I'd never recommend house-hunting in a limited time frame unless there's no other choice. So I kept looking and about one month later, I made an offer on another place. After a bit of negotiating, I got a satisfactory price and hired an inspector, read the bylaws for the condo association, and applied for a mortgage.

An inspector is almost as important as an agent...find someone you trust, preferably with reliable references. A condo differs from a house in that you technically only own the inside of your building. The condo association maintains the exterior, like grass and snow removal etc. and you maintain the interior. Older condos are similar to townhouses in that each unit has its own space, separate from the neighbors. Newer condos in this area are more like apartment buildings, where your floor plan overlaps with your neighbors', so your bedroom might be on top of their living room, which is on top of your garage etc. The newer condos seem nice and look cool, but personally if I own a property, I'd rather not be dependent on neighbors (for example, if they had a leak that damaged one of my walls and caused mold or something). Applying for a mortgage is complicated, and it's the part I understand the least, because of all the numbers/math... Basically the goal is to get as low an interest rate as possible; a higher rate can be offset by a point system, which can be a good option depending on how long you envision staying in that property. Make sure there are no pre-pay penalties or hidden fees--there are always going to be ridiculous fees required for no justifiable reason, but make sure that they are the standard ridiculous fees, not unknown ridiculous fees in addition to the standard ones. It also helps to have a mortgage agent you trust.

It takes a long time for the mortgage to be approved, and it felt longer to me than the house-hunting process, because at least with house-hunting I was busy and somewhat in control of the progress. With the mortgage, I was submitting papers and materials, but I had no idea what they were being used for or how long it would take. During that time, the title company (a third party that sort of oversees the process and provides documentation for the property) does an appraisal of the property. Here's a suspicion of mine that not many people may realize--sometimes the title company purposely appraises the property as close to your offer price as possible. The comps they reference in the report are skewed in a way to make you think you got a great deal. In mine, they only included comps that sold for higher than my offer price...but if you look at official records, there were plenty of recent comps that sold for lower, which they neglected to include. It wasn't a huge deal for me, so I didn't bother to contest it. But if every dollar matters and you feel this same suspicion when buying a place, it may be worth looking into.

Something else I learned during the closing process is that agents are humans, not machines...they make mistakes, they get emotional, and sometimes they are manipulative. If an agent, whether yours or the seller's, does something strange that makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable, don't accept it. Your agent should never pressure you into buying a place, and the seller's agent should never directly contact you at all. I didn't have a problem with my agent, so I don't have advice for that except not to hire them if they're untrustworthy... But I do have advice if the seller's agent does something out of line: if it doesn't directly concern you, stay out of it and let your agent deal with it, because that's his/her job. If the seller's agent makes false accusations against you specifically, it may be wise to calmly/briefly refute them in a written record. Not only will it protect you in case the issue comes up again, but it also shows you weren't born yesterday and are not willing to be pushed around.

Finally, there's the closing date, when everyone--seller, buyer, agents, title company, mortgage company, friends and family if you wish--comes together to sign papers and hand over the down payment. You realize that the names you kept seeing on the forms and using during negotiations are actually connected to human beings with lives and personalities...and you also sign a TON of papers. Be prepared for awkwardness...it's inevitable. But if you're lucky, you'll talk to the sellers about the property, which can be invaluable...and at the end of the day, you'll have a new home (along with a substantially diminished savings account and an intimidating ever-growing to-do list).

I never imagined I'd buy my own place a) at this age and b) by myself. On HGTV, the buyers are usually young couples who just got married or are planning to have kids...and my agent told me I'm the youngest client she's ever had. It wasn't like I needed to buy a place; I could easily have found a satisfactory apartment. But besides for wanting a dog, I chose to buy instead of rent because factors like location, the housing market, and my financial status were in my favor. Houses in this area are pretty inexpensive, and although it costs a little extra to fix up the house and maintain it well, it'll be worth it when I resell or rent it out in the future...whereas with an apartment or rental property, I'd just be paying money without investing in anything. And it's a good learning experience at this point in my life, when I can really concentrate without the distraction of kids or job-hunting etc. If you're not interested in buying a place at all, this entry was probably super boring. But if you are considering it and want to know more, I hope it was helpful! There are plenty of websites with suggestions for the house-hunting/purchasing process, but maybe there are a few beneficial things here that you won't find anywhere else. :)

Guilt

In a linguistics class I took for two weeks at Rice U (before sheepishly yet wisely dropping it), I learned that in the most primitive human language, only three emotions were designated words. The first two emotions were predictably "happy" and "angry," but the third surprised me--"guilty." I wasn't able to understand this until something weird and random  happened today.

There is an intersection on my way home from work where, during daytime and decent weather, I almost always see a homeless man. I've started recognizing faces, because it's usually the same couple people who take turns standing there. There are two general types of homeless people--loud and crazy ones that make a scene or try to approach you, and sad quiet ones with downcast eyes that mutely hold up their signs. The first type scares me, but the latter breaks my heart. And there's something about seeing the same person consistently suffering, that makes it more unforgettable.
I was taught by my parents never to give money to homeless people, because you don't know what they'll spend it on. Over winter break, I tried to learn knitting, because I thought maybe I could knit scarves for these people, giving them something more useful and meaningful than spare change. Sadly, my knitting progress has been very slow...I completed about half a scarf, and then I ran out of yarn and couldn't find the same color... (I do hope that I can finish this scarf at least by next winter.) A few weeks ago, I remembered this idea a couple people at NEC had, where we'd make sandwiches and go around giving them to homeless people. It was one of the best things I've ever been involved in, so recently I've been bringing an extra sandwich to work every day that we have lunch break. For some reason, each time I did that, there was nobody at the intersection when I was driving home, so I just ended up eating both sandwiches...
Then, this morning we had a concert. On Friday morning concerts, there are usually free donuts in the musicians' lounge, and oftentimes that is the highlight of my week, especially when they have my favorite kind (plain and glazed). Today there were three giant baskets of donuts left over after the concert, so I went into pig mode and ate two, saving a third for later. (On a side note, yesterday I took an online quiz called "What Is Your Spirit Animal?" and asked S what he guessed my result was. Without hesitation, he said, "Pig." At least he's honest, but the real result was "Bear.") Later as I drove toward the aforementioned intersection, I saw one of the homeless guys there, and I suddenly thought, "Wait, I have an extra donut! I can give that to him!" I hadn't touched it, and hopefully he wouldn't think it was rude...I mean, whenever someone gives me a free donut, I'm elated. Timing was perfect, so that the traffic light was red and I was stopped about eight feet away from him.
For reasons absolutely incomprehensible to me, I froze. All I could do was look at him, and I swear we made really long eye contact while my heart raced and palms sweated. I stared his cardboard sign, which said the usual things--homeless, anything will help, God bless...I stared at his dirty clothes and grey hair, and I stared at his vacant defeated eyes. The seconds ticked by, the traffic light turned green, and before I knew it, the moment had passed, I'd failed to act, and was driving past him.
Why did I do that???
It wasn't like I had nothing to offer, it wasn't like I was too far away, or it was a green light and people were honking at me, or that he seemed dangerous or sketchy, or that I had doubts about helping him. It would have been so easy for me to just roll down my window, hand him the food, smile, and drive away. But instead I did nothing, and I have NO IDEA why.
On the highway, I kept picturing his face in my mind, remembering how he leaned on a cane, and how the tattered cardboard sign hung limply from his grasp, and with each new detail recalled to his image, I felt worse. I wanted to cry, and when I called my mom on speaker phone to tell her what happened, I did cry. She was totally bewildered as I blubbered and sniffled. "Are you driving right now?" she asked incredulously, and when I said yes, she was all, "Are you crazy? You shouldn't be thinking about this while you're driving. If you want to feel bad, wait until you're safely home!" She asked if something else had gone wrong, and I answered that no, I'd had a perfectly good day up until then. After I calmed down, she told me, "Sometimes it's nice to help someone, but if you don't, it's okay too." She said the government should be fixing this problem, not me, and if nobody gives to these people, maybe they'll find better alternatives to improve their situation. They shouldn't be encouraged to rely on charity. Also, she said it's dangerous to interact with possibly unstable people, especially while driving.
After we hung up, I was still distracted and sad. I missed my highway exit, and it took an extra ten or fifteen minutes to get home.
It's stupid and simply weird/anomalous for me to feel SO guilty over such a little thing...in general, I'm a pretty practical person who has her emotions in check. But I guess when it comes to helping the less fortunate, I don't think there's ever a "little" thing, because you never know what tiny act of kindness could change someone else's life. It's not like handing that man a tasty dessert would have drastically altered his circumstance or prevented him from going hungry ever again, but maybe it would have lifted his spirits. I had an opportunity to do good, yet I didn't, and I just don't understand why.

Guilt is a complicated and fascinating phenomenon...in a way, it's self-centered, because we're thinking about ourselves and our own shame/faults/flaws. At the same time, it connects us to things outside of ourselves and demonstrates our innate morality, the ability to define an objective right and wrong. To me, this is an ultimate proof of a supreme being, because where does morality come from, if not Him? Even the most primitive humans identified guilt, knowing evil is wrong and good is right.
Another thing about guilt is, it's sneaky--you don't know how powerful it is until it hits you. I'm writing about guilt, but I don't even really know what it feels like on a larger scale. To me, guilt means cruel words that escaped my mouth when I was angry, forgetting about God in an obsession over myself, not helping others when I had the chance, and other stuff that's private. And if I were to draw a pie chart of all the emotions I've felt in my life, I'd say yeah, guilt consists of app. one-third, because it's unforgettable...it stays with me no matter what. I can't imagine how torturous guilt from more lasting/impacting crimes must be.
I suppose some people are more sensitive to guilt than others, and there are those few infamous figures that appear(ed) to feel barely any guilt at all, no matter how deplorable their actions. Still, I think it affects us all, whether or not we are open about it. To err is human, and with erring comes guilt...but the beautiful silver lining of guilt shows that despite how inexplicably, bizarrely, perversely, or foolishly wrong humans can be, the little spark of light that is our desire to be good shines on.