When A was visiting a few weeks ago, she looked through my Japan pictures from the past summer and told me, "You look so happy." Thinking back, I was a lot happier during the summer than I am now. I can barely remember what it feels like to be so carefree and live with almost no worries. Of course there were little concerns, like "I hope our concert goes well," or "We have to wake up by 7am tomorrow," but they didn't bother me much. And anxieties about the coming school year were WAY in the back of my mind. I miss that freedom...
Another thing I've been thinking about is, something happens when you have a select group of people that have been your closest friends for a long time. Especially if you're an introvert and have a very small number of people with whom you can legitimately open up...you start assigning roles to them. At least, I do. I go to Person A when I want to talk about what I did every day, like what I ate, where I went, something funny that happened in class, whatever. I go to Person B when I'm stressed about music, I go to Person C when I feel philosophical/intelligent (a rarity), Person D for family problems, Person E for relationship advice...etc. It became this way because when I have a conundrum, I need someone who a) is truly interested, b) won't judge me, and c) understands how I feel. A few weeks ago, I had a rough night and wanted/needed to talk it out. For the first time in my life, there was not one friend in whom I could confide. It's not that there was nobody trustworthy...that definitely wasn't the problem. It was that there was nobody who satisfied all three categories (interested, unbiased, and understanding). So I ended up calling two teachers, and then my parents, who are always always there for me.
I am SO lucky in that I can confidently name five people in this world who are not related to me but who will ALWAYS be willing to sit down, listen to whatever I have to say, and care about it. This is a huge blessing already. But sometimes, an attentive ear isn't enough...
Anyway, it's as if each person has their "assignment," and the question is, what happens when there is nothing to talk about within someone's realm of conversation? It's not like we COULDN'T talk about regular old things--these are first-tier friends I'm referring to. But the facts are: they are not in Boston, we're busy people, and our lives are sort of irrelevant...it's simply not practical to call someone just to tell them what I ate for lunch that day or something. On the one hand, it's wonderful to have people (who are not family) you can go to for specific problems/happenings. But when it comes down to plain old companionship, you can't reach out to your old friends who live thousands of miles away. You need people who are right here with you...and the thing about being an introvert is, it's rare/difficult enough to find people with whom you feel comfortable, whether or not their lives are in close conjunction with yours.
I feel like there are two general types of friends--indispensable and convenience friends. Indispensable friends are the ones you need...you see something in a store and just have to buy it for them, you go through a hard time and just have to hear their voice telling you it's okay. Convenience friends are always around, people you can go places with and have a good time. You might miss them as a group, but less often will you miss them as individuals. Both types of friends are great, but I know which I gravitate toward.
What's scary is when you start falling out of touch with indispensable friends. I've been feeling that lately, because my daily life is centered so exclusively around music these days. As D said, what do you talk about when the only meaningful thing you did all day was practice? Are people going to be interested in discussing that? Uh, no. As a result, it's been an abnormally long time since I've talked to certain people, non-musicians in particular. Our lives move in different directions...and this is the point at which seemingly indestructible friendships may start to fade.
Fortunately, there are some people where it doesn't matter how long it's been, how much you differ, how far apart you live...when you come back to each other, it's just like old times. Some things never change. Which brings me to one of my favorite beliefs--that love is irrelevant to time spent together. It doesn't matter how often you talk or see each other, how much you relate--the love increases regardless.
I guess the point I've reached after this whole drawn-out ramble is, no matter how you view and deal with your friendships, recognize the ones that are indispensable, give them what they deserve, and trust in them...if they're real, they will last.