Expectations

I remember reading a physics article a long time ago about reverse causality and an experiment some scientists were conducting to examine the "notion that time might flow backward, allowing the future to influence the past." It's a very complex matter, way over my head, but if I look at the theory on a personal level, it;s basically about whether or not people have free will. If reverse causality exists, then our every action is predetermined.
There are countless instances in which I've attempted to trick fate into complying with my desires and hopes. Let's say I'm taking a test and want to get an A. The test comes and goes...either I work hard and feel good, or I don't work hard and probably don't feel good. Then I spend the remaining time before the results come out determinedly telling myself, "You probably didn't get it. Don't expect anything." Partly I do this to prevent myself from possible disappointment; but in a way, I'm also trying to fool destiny into going my way, because things are never supposed to turn out the way you expect, right? Sometimes, this "worked," and sometimes it didn't. After reading the physics article, I realized that these ridiculous routes I take to try and coax fate into my favor are useless, because no matter what sort of path you make--straight, curved, or unnecessarily convoluted, in my case--you'll end up at the same destination.
We just don't know what this destination is yet, so we do the best we can to lead ourselves as close to our ideal goal as possible. I guess therein lies our free will--how to deal with the inevitable story that, in a way, has already been written for us. (Sophie's World?)
I sometimes believe expectations are my biggest weakness. I view expectations like a strategy game, and I am constantly monitoring them to keep myself from jumping to conclusions and ending up disappointed. I try to expect the worst, or expect every possible outcome, so that I'll be prepared for anything. But in the end, I'm an optimist, and my persistent high hopes end up stubbornly shoving their way back into my brain. "Maybe I'll get lucky, it's happened before," or "I deserve it, so it'll probably happen."
I had a specific, slightly silly expectation for this summer. Let's call it Destination A. It should not be a big deal, and I don't even know if I want it to happen or not. I was just pretty sure that it would, and after rationalizing with myself, I decided this assumption was justified. It was one of those times when I tell myself, "This isn't hoping...this is practically factual. Of course it will happen!"
Well, I think I was wrong. You can never make assumptions about the future and call them factual...whether it's something silly like Destination A, or something incredibly significant, like the continuance of your own life...no matter how reasonable it seems.
This is a very scatter-brained post. (You can tell by the small paragraphs.) Maybe I'll edit it into something that makes a slight bit of sense later. Just wanted to get it out.

Dad

In honor of Father's Day, here is the usual collection of journal entries, photos, and other miscellaneous stuff to illustrate my

Favorite Things About Dad:

1) His random love for Sushi Boat.
Dad was so funny--he came barging in my room to interrupt my practicing and ask what I wanted for dinner...I was like, "I don't care, anything," and he went, "So...you want take out?" "Well I don't care, whatever you want." "Oh, so you want Sushi Boat take out? Okay great!" ...ha, he loves Sushi Boat.


2) His interactions with Mei.
Mei was playing Chopin on piano (it sounded pretty atonal), and Dad was all, "Whenever Mei plays piano, all my stocks drop." HAHAHA so hilarious. And what's even funnier is that Mei isn't even insulted when we laugh at her playing...she even joins in.


HAHA oh dear. Dad just accidentally ate Mei's bag lunch that she packed for herself. Mom is hysterical with laughter.

3) His super long prayers (long mostly because he talks. So. Slowly).
Mei: Dad, you don't have to pray for me tonight, I can pray by myself.
Dad: Nooo...I want to! I have to! I must to!
Mei: *sigh*


4) How he keeps his computer on Caps Lock. First he said it's because it's bigger and easier for him to read, but eventually we found out that he just can't figure out how to turn the Caps Lock off. So every time we chat on Skype, it looks like he's super excited.
[12:28:10 AM] Shinshi Wey: GOOG NIGHT!

(He's also not the best at spelling.)

5) How he dresses up whenever he goes out, for no apparent reason. I guess he just likes wearing suits, although I can't imagine why.
This morning-
Me: Dad, why did you dress up to go to your dentist appointment?
Dad: Well, I might go look for the rice cooker for church afterwards.
Me: Well...why do you have to dress up for that?
Dad: ...I don't know!


6) How he gets confused with English words.
We were talking about musicians with mental disorders today over dinner (don't ask why), and Dad was all, "Yes, it's like that movie, what's it called? Cocoa nuts? Coconut?" It turned out he was trying to talk about One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

7) How he always falls asleep. Once he came stomping out of the office all disgruntled, and when we asked what was wrong, he said that he'd fallen asleep at the computer with his finger on the "d" key, and ended up typing 5 pages of "dddddddddd" during his nap. Then after he woke up, he spent 15 minutes erasing it all (I guess it didn't occur to him to just highlight it and press delete).

8) His complete lack of understanding how to take care of plants.
Mom said that Dad called her while she was in Taiwan. He was standing in the family room staring in puzzlement at Christine (the prayer plant), and apparently he was asking, "What is wrong with this plant?" and when Mom went, "Why?" he was complaining about how it was brown and withered. "Well...did you water it?" "No. Why?"


9) Since I've basically been making fun of him this whole time, here's a serious one.

It was hot, as usual, in Taiwan, and I felt the sun's rays attach themselves immediately to my hair and scalp as I stepped out of the black car. The building where Grandma's funeral would take place was crowded, and resembled a row of stores at the Gilroy outlets. Mom went to park the car while Mei and I were given black robes to put on. I was exasperated because I had spent the whole morning choosing an "appropriate" black outfit for the occasion, and it turned out that what I wore didn't even matter. The customary Taiwanese funeral robe was so large, my shoes barely peeked out from under its edges. The ceremonial room had air conditioning and enough folding chairs for maybe fifty people. At the front, there was a pulpit, an electric piano, and a white display with a framed picture of Grandma. It was a nice photo--she's laughing and she looks healthy. The atmosphere was dreary and somber, but more restless than anything. The minister talked and we prayed. At one point, family members were told to gather around the coffin and body to "say good bye," but I stood back because I knew I could never deal with seeing Grandma's actual body. I think it was more witnessing the people I love suffer than actually losing Grandma that hit me hardest. Soon, it was time for speeches from children and grandchildren of the deceased. Dad went first. Neither of my aunts spoke...maybe because they wouldn't be capable of getting through a speech during such an emotional time. Dad walked up to the pulpit. I was praying so hard for him...I don't know if I've ever prayed that hard in my entire life. I had sort of talked to him about his speech beforehand, and he kept telling me how he might not be able to get through the whole thing. But I'd heard his speech, and the most moving part is the end. It basically starts with a brief history of Grandma's past...her upbringing, religion, occupation, marraige, motherhood. Then he described her as a mother and moved on to her sickness. He said that she had the best care possible during her last few years, and that her unconditional love will always be present, despite her death. He was already red-eyed when he began, and I could tell he was really nervous. In the middle, he sort of choked up and had to pause a couple times. People around me were sniffing and crying, but strangely I didn't feel sad. All my energy was channeled into praying for him and internally chanting for him to keep going, encouraging him and cheering him on. And when he finally finished his speech, I don't think I've ever been prouder of anyone.

At that moment, I realized what a heart my father has. To be able to write a speech like that, and then deliver it, despite the overwhelming grief and despair that must have been coursing through him, is truly admirable. His speech was what sustained me through the next few days--I knew that if Dad was strong enough to bear the pain, we would all get through all right in the end. 

My Objections to Sports

1) When people make an absurd amount of money betting on certain players/teams. Yes, it is your money and you have a right to do whatever you choose with it, but it seems not only wrong but also pathetic to get your big bucks through someone else's years of hard work. These athletes put an unspeakable amount of blood, sweat, and tears to get where they are today. I know I certainly haven't worked one-tenth as hard as these guys, yet I'd still be FURIOUS if anyone made even $100 off a success of mine, simply because they thought I was a good bet. It just isn't right. It's nice to believe in your sports celebrities and cheer hard for your heroes, but to make money off of them is just stupid.
What about gambling, like in poker and at casinos? Well, that's stupid too, but it can be fun, and you're playing with CARDS and DICE, not other people's careers and passions and dedication.

2) When it generates so much negative emotion. It seems like everyone these days has something mean and scathing to say about Lebron James, and he's got his own tight-lipped retorts to shoot right back at his haters. As a spectator who enjoys watching basketball but is neither an enthusiast (at all) nor from Cleveland, my opinion on the matter is this. So he grew up playing basketball in Cleveland and became the city's pride and joy...that's great, but he still has a right to do whatever he thinks is best for his career. Valuing championships over his team/hometown may be selfish, but it's his choice to make. Furthermore, his decision to join Miami wasn't a FAILURE like the media keeps emphasizing...they got to the Finals, didn't they? It was short-sighted of James to make big talk about a guaranteed win, but that's no reason to celebrate over his loss. It's the same principle as throwing a party when Bin Laden died, or laughing gleefully when an unfriendly ex-boyfriend gets dumped. It's just taking the work of fate/karma and turning it into a personal victory, which is an immature and petty way to react, in my opinion. But now I'm getting sidetracked. In any case, there is some truth to what Lebron said...people can cheer at his "failure," but in the end, how does it really affect their own self pride and satisfaction?

On a side note, I do appreciate sports, even though I don't understand them most of the time. I appreciate how it bring communities closer together, and how it makes talented people work their hardest and shine their brightest. Every time I see a huge crowd of loyal fans' reaction as their team scores a winning point, I get teary. Remember ALL the videos of America's reaction when Landon Donovan scored that goal in the World Cup? Beautiful.

Diet

I've decided to start a new diet. It's called, don't eat unless you're hungry, and stop eating when you're full.
So far, I've lost 5 pounds. :)

I wish everything in life were this easy.

Light

This is a Christian-geared entry. I hope that doesn't deter anyone from reading on.

“Once you were ‘darkness’, but now as Christians you are ‘light’. Live then as children of the light…For light is capable of showing everything for what it really is. It is even possible for light to turn the thing it shines upon into light also.” -Ephesians 5

The Bible describes light in many contexts—as a metaphor for judgment, truth, and hope, among others. Most interesting to me is God’s calling for us not only to embrace light but to actually become light. What is the role of a light, and what does it mean to be one? Lights are illuminants, used to reveal and clarify the world around us. The paradox of an effective light is that, while it's bright and powerful, it doesn't exist to be seen. Staring directly into the sun, the world’s strongest light source, causes blindness. People rarely look at a light bulb or the flame of a candle and say, “Wow, what a beautiful light!” Instead, we view and appreciate what the light shines upon. The more I read the Bible, the more I notice the duality of many Christian ideals, and light is no exception. A good light shines brightly, not for the purpose of being noticed itself, but so that its surroundings will be noticed.

There are three main ways I thought of to apply this to daily life:

1) With people. When you care about someone, nothing brings you more joy than to give that person the most happiness you possibly can. I think we’re all generally familiar with this feeling, because God is love, and we are creatures of God and therefore creatures of love. While we work to shine beams of happiness into people’s lives, we can also illuminate these people to the world. A good teacher enlightens his pupil, but he shines a spotlight onto his student as well. He proudly displays a gifted student, not to promote himself as a successful instructor, but to promote a young talent worthy of attention. A good symphony conductor must know the music he is presenting better than anyone else on the stage and shower his fellow musicians with insight during rehearsals, but his ultimate job is to shine a spotlight on his orchestra and let them glow.

2) With music. A musician is a means by which a composer’s expressive ideas can be communicated. The ultimate purpose of music-making is to shine a light on the music, not yourself. Of course, performing personally and intimately is necessary, but I’ve found that a performance with selfless aims touches a far greater audience than a performance with selfish aims.

3) With God. As humans, we are constantly susceptible to sin—and by sin, I mean anything that separates us from God. As in all relationships, though it is natural for us to love, it is also natural for us to constantly revert back to ourselves and what is best for us. God wants us to love ourselves, but I believe He wants us to do this through our love of Him. As “children of the light,” every action that we live out during our time on earth should reflect God...not in order to attain salvation, but out of love and gratitude for Him.

(There is a common misconception that Christians obey God to avoid eternal damnation. It is true that we recognize the terrifying reality of hell. But that’s not why we have our beliefs. As Lord Tennyson writes, “The heart stood up and answered, ‘I have felt.’” When we feel divine love, this is our inspiration for faith.)