I'm not a fan of re-blogging, but this entry is too funny not to post, and too witty to attempt rephrasing. Here are my favorite parts:
Top 10 Composers Who Make You Seem Cool When You Tell Other Musicians You Like Them
You go to a friend’s concert/opera performance/chamber recital at an acclaimed school of music or summer festival. You’re invited to the party afterwards. There is wine, there is cheese, there’s a respectable collection of craft brews. There’s a strange mix of young people and old hangers-on, all of whom are way too intense and riled up because of the concert. There’s really awkward background music. Cathartic drinking abounds; inappropriate touching ensues.
You find yourself in a conversation with the type of people who want to talk about their favorite composers at a party. This is already bad news. Your instinct to retreat is a good one.
But let’s say you’re trapped next to the drink table, or you have a fighting spirit, or this is Imaginationland, and there are some hotties at an orchestra party who you want to impress. You need a list of composers who are Academy approved, under-appreciated, but not so outré that only the lamest of the music theory geeks has ever even heard of them.
1. J. S. Bach
No musician, be they orchestralist, vocalist, Old Music-ist, New Music-ist, keyboardist or lutenist will disparage the name of J. S. Bach.
If you say Bach, you leave yourself open to a discussion of his individual pieces. You can save yourself a lot of valuable time and listening by simply memorizing the letters BWV. BWV stands for Bach-Werke-Verzeichnis (which you don’t have to memorize) and refers to a listing of all Bach’s works. If pressed for an opinion on your favorite Bach piece, insert any three digit combination after the letters BWV. Do so with absolute confidence. Most musicians will think you’re talking about one of their own favorite pieces. Go with it. If not, they’ll assume you’re refering to some unknown masterwork and murmur in agreement. In the unlikely case that they don’t immediately follow this by offering their favorite Bach piece, ask them for it right away.
They will not respond with a BWV number. Do not press the issue.
3. György Ligeti
Show your flare for the avant-garde by working Ligeti into the conversation. Do not attempt pronunciation of his first name unless you are fluent in Hungarian.
7. Franz Schubert
Say “Winterreise” (pronounced “vin-ter-rise-ah”), and really say it like you mean it. Express a heartfelt connection to it. You may express admiration for any symphony up through number 9, excepting number 7. If you do happen to slip up and mention the non-existent seventh, there are two recourses: 1) say that you assumed everyone had switched over to the new European numbering system for Schubert symphonies, or 2) say, “oh, I mean the ersatz seventh symphony. But we all know that story…”
10 Composers Who You Should Never Admit Liking To A Musician Who Considers Him or Herself Serious
6. Alfred Schnittke
No one will know who he is. The very few who do will either a) not have been instructed what to think of him, b) will call him “Shit-ke” and chuckle, or c) will be a violist and will actually think you’re really cool, something you want to avoid at all costs.
9. Johann Strauss
Jr. or Sr., or any other member of the Strauss family, for that matter, up to and including Charles Strouse, but excluding Richard Strauss, even though his name is better left unmentioned anyway.
10. Niccolò Paganini
The only people who won’t scoff will be violinists. They’ll cringe.
[Disclaimer: I only vouch for this advice in mainland America. An entirely different set of rules may apply in Europe, especially in Germany. Use with caution.]
